We had sex.
In the front seat of my car.
Just pants down legs spread, rip, slip, ahh.
And it was over.
I broke down the second he left.
Why do I do this to myself.
Why do I have this problem with saying "no?"
He left right after, I should've known.
And now what am I going to do about this?
Do I tell anyone?
Of course not.
I'll keep my mouth shut and let the things on the inside of me claw away.
I'll never be her.
I'll never be the mother of his child or the first person to steal his heart.
It's already been taken.
7 inches of him.
That's all I'll ever have.
Nothing more.
And he probably doesn't even think about it.
I want to cut my heart out and throw it at him.
That's probably the only other way I can make it any more blatantly obvious.

You're incredible.
You make my entire body tingle when you're near me.
Your touch turns my mind into a fog.
When our lips touched for the first time I swear the whole earth dropped from beneath us,
and we were enveloped in some new unfamiliar world where nothing can possibly hurt.
You're fire.
And god my body aches to be burned.
I want your flames licking at every part of me.
Ignite my soul.
Nothing is possible to concentrate on when you're around.
I dont think I've ever felt so complete singing along to the radio with you driving down some backroads.
I don't even want you to be mine.
That's the crazy part.
All I want is for us to just be how we are when were driving.
Talking, laughing, kissing, singing.
Just being at peace, smoking our cigarettes, letting the wind blow through our hair.
No destination, no ETA.
Just driving, no expectations.
I swear I'd go anywhere with you.
I'm following so blindly behind your light, I just hope I dont lose myself completely.
You make me feel so fearless and free.
I only wish I meant more than the 90 seconds of heavy breathing on the passenger side.
It doesnt matter anyway.
I'll never say anything.
You'll go back to her, and your beautiful son.
And I'll go back to being second best.
Don't worry, I'm used to it.
I won't tell her a thing.
I wont tell her how she doesn't deserve you or how you deserve to see your little boy and she's a stupid bitch for trying to take him from you.
I see the way your eyes light up when you talk about him.
The way wherever you are, he's on your mind.
Walking through the mall picking up baby shoes just to look at them and smile.
I know you don't see it and I can never force you to,
but I'm right here.
And I promise you I can be everything you need.
I dont need a ring, or a promise, or anything.
I just need you.
But I'll never tell.

I wish I knew what I was feeling.
My emotions are so all over the place, I can't even keep track of them.
I feel so bad for Jon, he deserves a lot better than this.
I just feel like I can never make my mind up about anything.
It's getting to the point where, I'm afraid I'm never going to actually do anything with my life.
I can't stick to one decision long enough to ever do anything or have anything stable in my life.
I feel absolutely crazy.
Maybe I've just gone so long without actually talking about how I feel, or what I think.
I miss the days when Jon and I used to open up and talk about how we feel.
We were so close...
I don't know what happened.
He was the only person who has ever gotten me to really open up... and just...  speak.
As simple as that sounds, I could never do it.
I've always just been alone with my thoughts.
I never know how to communicate them.
Sometimes I can't even do it through here.
I can't make sense of anything.
I wish I knew how to just deal with everything... sort things out in my mind.
It's almost like my mind was built without little file folders that things are supposed to be able to be placed into.
Everything is always just scattered.
I never really have any time to even think about anything, because as soon as a thought or a feeling comes,
it's lost just as quickly...
My mind is a mess... It always has been. I wish I knew how to fix it.
It drives me crazy that I'm so indecisive.
Earlier today I was thinking about how I sometimes miss being single.
Don't get me wrong, I would never ever trade Jon for anything in the world.
It's just kind of like, sometimes I wish it could've waited. Even just a year.
Kinda like, how people have babies, and then they don't regret the baby, they just regret the timing?
It's kinda like that. Sometimes I feel like there's so much I missed out on.
Some crucial things I never got to experience while being a teenager.
Like stupid drama, and first dates, and embarassing first kisses.
I miss when Jon and I first started dating... Just the staying up all night texting eachother.
And blushing whenever I'd see him.
God knows I love him more than I could ever explain.
I would never trade him or do anything to hurt him.
And I do feel guilty for thinking that way sometimes.
I just miss my freedom every once in a while.
I miss being carefree.
But then, other times, like just a couple of minutes before I started writing this,
I was thinking about how devastating it is that Jon won't propose to me for atleast another few years...
And that I won't have children for atleast another five.
That seems so... terrible.
How can I have a baby when I'm 20 something...
How can I get married at that age?
I want it all.
I want it now.
And I know it's stupid...
I feel like a thirty year old dropped into a 17 year old body sometimes... I literally feel like my clock is just ticking away...
And every month I get my period is one chance wasted to have a baby.
And every month that Jon and I are together is just another month of him delaying to propose to me.
I shouldn't be thinking like that at 17, should I?
Those are things a fourty year old should be thinking about.
I should be thinking about like... my hair or something.
I don't ever know what I want beyond the next... hour.
And I feel so strongly about both of those things at once right now.
I wish Jon would propose to me tomorrow.
I wish I could get pregnant tomorrow.
And I wish I could go back to when we first started dating, or even before that and have a few moments of my freedom back.
I don't understand how I can feel so many things at one time.
There is no order to my mind.
No filing system.
No nothing.
It's just chaos.
All the time.
And I'm really afraid that it always will be...

Rescue me.

Night One.
So it just happened, and for some reason I feel very relieved.
Maybe I'm just hoping that this will actually help figure things out..
But right now I'm comforted with knowing that I will be okay.
I have Xanga, cigarettes, music, reading, writing, friends, alcohol, starbucks, and a fat cat if I need a cuddle.
This is very strange. Maybe I'm only okay with it because I haven't fully accepted that this is quite possibly a permanent thing.
If it was for sure permanent, I might not be so okay with this.
But I'm okay with being okay with this.
I think I'm just relieved that for a week I don't have to worry about anything.
I don't have to be upset, I can just forget about everything for one week.
I'm gonna make sure I do that, even if it's a bit hard most of the time.
I'm just going to enjoy my own company and have a vacation from stress.
I do love the boy, with all my heart.
But right now things are just so messy.
I guess we really do need a break.
A week is enough, though. I don't think I need any longer than that.
Hopefully he gets all his thoughts straightened out by Saturday.
Mmmm late nights with Xanga & depression, I missed you <3